Where did she put her cash

Carolyn and I went out for a meal and popped into Value Village thrift store afterwards, I like to get my books there, although Carolyn always seems to get a lot of stuff for our grand-daughter Jade.  Although saying that, the red silk Oriental style homemade dress and the two Barbie dolls, grandpa picked out!

But I digress.

Waiting in line a woman pushed a cart full of items up to an empty register and started looking for her money. She checked her purse to no avail, she then started checking her jacket pocket and talking to herself oblivious to her surroundings.

“Check your pocket sweetie, my jeans,” she jammed her hands into her tight jean pockets, “slow down honey, check my butt,” with that she slid her hands into her back pockets and still came up empty, “Maybe in my titties,” she says then gropes herself through her blouse. Unhappy with the results she pushes a hand inside her blouse and has a good root around. Finding no money, she tuts then walks out the store and leaves the cart where it was. She never came back in again and as she walked out I’m thinking:

The women certainly have more places to stash stuff, no wonder they always have trouble finding it again.

I know the wife likes to stash her Blackberry in her bra, if it’s on vibrate she gets a lot more text messages from her hubby than usual!

They’re talking a foreign language I tell ya

Grand daughter Jade, her grandma Janice and grandma Carolyn are all messing around with something called Super Poke Pets on their computers.

“Grandma, do you have the tiger sitting on a cloud?”

“I have several and a few gold items you might like.”

“I can send you a panda with angel wings.”

I want to ask what they’re talking about but I don’t want to get sucked into whatever it is they do. They also do something with farms, crops and animals.

Me, I’m into running around getting my arse kicked online with other people dropping bombs and other munitions on top of each other, I have so far resisted having to grow crops and take stuff to market thank you very much.

Rules of the game

Image by JKönig via Flickr

As I don’t work Mondays I usually walk Jade to her school bus as I did this morning.

“Slug Bug black grandpa.”

“Ow!”

“Slug Bug red.”

“Ow again, you know Jade you need to learn the rules of slug bug.”

“Why grandpa?”

“You are meant to call out ‘Slug Bug’ and the color of the car and punch someone in the arm, gently. But you are only meant to do it when you see a VW Beetle car, it can be the old version or the modern version but it the car  has to be the Beetle not just any VW car.”

“Grandpa, beetles, we’re talking about cars not beetles!”

“No, the Beetle is the VW car, oh never mind. Look slug bug blue.”

“Ow, grandpa, that was a bus!”

“I know, I am playing by your rules.”

Open Letter: Stinky dude please

Open letter to the dude sitting in front of me on the train who will never read this:

Dude, I’d prefer if you would spray on your deodorant before you leave the house not while sitting on the train. The car became filled with the pungent aroma of your deodorant there was no escaping, I thought I might have to puff on my inhaler if the stench prevailed much longer.

I’d almost prefer the smell of your stinky pits than that noxious cloud you sprayed everywhere.

Almost!

Gotta have it!

Sitting on the bus, just as it pulled away three people got on, a woman and two men. They seemed very rushed and they sat at the back of the bus and were very excited. The woman was telling the men how they have to get to the “Quickie Mart” as soon as they can so they can get their Earthquake drinks. One of the guys asked her what Earthquakes were and she said;

“High octane alcohol that costs 99 cents!”

They were desperate to get their alcoholic beverage although I wondered what kind of beer costs 99 cents.

As the bus the bus turned down a street they cursed and rushed off, apparently they wanted the 21 bus and we were on the 121 bus.

I Googled: Earthquake Drink. Looks like I will pass on this stuff according to the reviews.

Kudos to the ladies again

Once again I am amazed at the ability of some women to apply make-up while traveling to work on the bus, train and streetcar. I don’t know how they manage to do it and apply a perfect make-up job, I have a hard enough time trying to write in my Moleskine notebook while the bus or what have you shudders along let alone apply make-up. I always end up looking like a demented killer clown!

The woman on the streetcar this morning wasn’t applying lipstick or mascara but she was using one of those implements for curling eyelashes, you know the instrument that wouldn’t look out-of-place at the Spanish inquisition (which no one expects [five points if you get the reference]), she did a perfect job too. I of course was imagining all sorts of things, like the streetcar jumping the rails and the woman screaming as she impales her eye, holding the curling tool with her eyeball stuck in dripping blood and eye goop!

My imagination!

Kudos ladies, mad skillz you have.

Born in a barn

Someone left a door open so I counted with my “Were you born in a barn?”

To which the reply was “Well, yes, in fact I was born in a barn.”

Dang tootin’ country folk!

[insert Banjo music here].

I know who I am

At the store getting stuff for tacos, a dude stops right in front of me; “How are you doing?”

I ran my internal face recognition software but came up blank, as far as I could remember I didn’t know the guy. He must have seen the blank look on my face.

“Patrick.”

“Who, you’re Patrick or I’m Patrick?”

“You’re Patrick,” he answered.

“No sorry I’m not Patrick.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, I would know.”

He turned and walked off.

After checking out I checked to see if he was in the parking lot, I could be Patrick if he wanted to give me a ride home, but I didn’t see him.

Barely phased her

Having our granddaughter Jade living with us means she has to put up with grandpa’s tricks and silly japes.  She is getting used to them though and seems hardly fazed.

The other day she was hanging up her laundry and went into the living room to get more from grandma, I crept into her room and hide in her closet which was partly open. She came into her room, pulled the closet door fully open and she saw me standing in the corner of the closet:

“Hi grandpa, you’re weird,” then she hung her clothes up and walked off rolling her eyes (she learnt that from grandma).

Not even a flinch, not a startled scream, dang, time to kick it up a notch.

Out with the clown outfit!

"Here comes grandpa!"

Cheerio old bean

I went to the Verizon store to get a new phone charger, as I walked through the door the guy asked me what I wanted. I told him a phone charger and as soon as he heard my accent he did the usual saying something in what he thought was an English accent.

“Don’t start taking the piss!” I told him.

As he took my money he asked, “The Geico, Gecko, is he English?” I told him he had an English accent, and he said three other people had told him the same thing.

“Need a bag?” he asked.

“No thanks.”

“Oh, we don’t have any bags anyway.”

“Good job I didn’t want one then wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, silly question.”

As I walked out I waved my hand, “Cheerio.”

Cheerio! What on earth was I doing? I never use that word, next thing I’ll be saying “old bean”, perpetuate the stereotype old bean why don’t you.